Homecoming
By Lauren Smith
Sometimes it’ll happen while I’m eating a bagel. It’ll hit me while I’m flipping a light switch. On occasion the feeling will come over me while I’m just picking my nose. I could be doing the most mundane thing and suddenly the thought will come, “Wow I’m [blank] in New York City.” Tonight I was just walking up to 5F and right as floor 3 came into view I stopped just a bit and became fully aware of where I was and what I was doing there.
It’s weird to be present. I tend to find myself always thinking ahead. And just as I get to where I want to be I start to think about removing myself from there. But this doesn’t happen too often since I’ve come to the city. And it’s really scary to consider settling here, something I’ve never really done up until this point. I had to get out of San Francisco because it was too small. I had to leave Hawthorne because I stayed another moment my mother was going to have to have me committed. New York’s different because I can see myself doing it. I really envision living this same life many many many many years from now.
Yesterday I registered for classes on the New York State Resident tuition rate. I officially reside here. Even though I had just returned to the city the day before from being 3 time zones away for two months, I fell right back into my routine; pre-walking in the subway station so the train let me off in front of the stairwell; waking up at 7AM without an alarm; secretly being mean to people and cursing them under my breath (or out loud) as required as though I never left.
My mother teases me and says I’ve wanted to live in New York since I was 5. And now that I’m here I wonder where else there is for me. Sure I love to travel! I’d love to live abroad! There’s a whole world I plan on exploring! But to come back to one place time and time again. To be able to call somewhere home is something I’m finally beginning to experience. And I love it. I get what it means to feel like I belong. I never thought I wanted or needed that feeling of belonging but now that I have it, I hope it never leaves