Eve and Bob: Date #9B
By Eve Sturges
Eve and Bob: The Movie (A Production Meeting) Part 2 of 2
Producer: That lunch was great.
Director: I think I have heartburn.
Writer: Whatever happened to that dumb assistant?
Producer: Uh, I sent her to get coffee.
Writer: Excellent. So where were we?
Director: Um, Eve had just left that crazy party with Bob, and they exchanged phone numbers, but he never called.
Producer: I have to say, that doesn’t sound much like a movie. I mean, it’s no romance if he never calls, right?
Writer: Hang in there. So a year and a half goes by. Eve stops working at that restaurant, gets a different job waiting tables closer to her apartment. Maybe we should have a montage, you know? Everyone loves a good montage! Her hair changes, she has a steady boyfriend for a while, her child is growing up, lots of cute scenes of Eve’s life, hanging out in LA.
Producer: Until…
Writer: It’s New Years’ Eve.
Director: Ha! New Year’s “Eve”! Get it? EVE?!
Writer: yeah… that’s a dumb joke.
Director: Sorry.
Writer: It’s New Years’ Eve, and EVE has been having a rough time lately. She broke up with her boyfriend, and of course the holidays ... Let’s have her walk by some windows with happy people inside, you know? She’s lonely, she doesn’t have much money, family is far away…you get the picture. Okay, so she goes over to her friend’s house to celebrate the holiday.
Producer: Who’s the friend?
Writer: We’ll call her…Kit. So Eve’s had a rough time lately, right? And also, she hasn’t eaten much this day. As soon as she walks in the door, what is handed to her? Champagne, of course. So Kit and Eve drink a bunch of bubbly. And then they go to a restaurant.
Producer: Swanky?
Writer: Not… really. But maybe David Spade is there.
Director: David Spade? Really?
Writer: Really. Okay, so they get there, and it turns out the bartender knows Eve. He brings over a round of shots, and she downs ‘em like a pro. She turns her shot glasses over and pounds them on the table like in “The Cutting Edge”, the ice skating movie with Moira Kelly. Everything is festive. Eve and Kit and their friends are checking out guys, making jokes. There are balloons everywhere, streamers, you know New Year’s type stuff. And in walks the DJ.
Director: Uh-oh.
Writer: It’s Bob.
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Writer: It takes her a minute to realize who he is, but when Eve does, she walks right up and taps him on the shoulder. And they proceed to have a few hours of fun.
Producer: So this is the big sex scene?
Writer: No, idiot, there in the restaurant, remember?! Jesus. It’s not like that. They just catch up, and laugh about their lives, and Bob remembers that Eve has a daughter, so he asks all the right questions. Drinking margaritas together, they have a great time DJ’ing, swapping the headphones and discussing music. Eve helps Bob fight off the bitches who just want him to play hip-hop. And then Eve wears the headphones and Bob fights off the bitches for her, because its fun to pretend that she’s the DJ.
Director: Cute, G-rated. Boooorrrrring.
Writer: Oh, no, they DO makeout. I mean, it’s New Year’s, after all. He’s kind of a sloppy kisser.
Producer: Huh.
Writer: Well, yeah, I mean he’s kind of young. Inexperienced, maybe.
Director: So then what? Like, what HAPPENS?
Writer: It’s time for Eve to got to another party; down on Miracle Mile. So she says goodbye to Bob, and they kiss some more. And, he asks for her number-
Producer: Again?
Writer: Again. But with confidence and panache, saying something like “No, I’m not just going to see you later, I am going to see you THIS week, because I am going to call you and take you out.” So Eve gives it to him, and he tries to put it into his phone but his phone says “Eve’s Number Already Exists”
Director: I don’t get it.
Writer: He had her number the whole time. He had always had it, for a year and a half, and never called her. And they stand together staring at that message, and Eve looks up, starts laughing and says, “Oh, snap! Try to follow through this time, huh, kiddo?” They had just had so much fun, but now he looks like an asshole.
Director: Wait. Let me get this straight. He liked her, got her number, they have great chemistry but he never calls. Then, almost 2 years later, it happens again, and he STILL has her number? And he doesn’t even realize it?
Writer: Yup.
Producer: So, how’s it end?
Writer: Oh, he never calls. Eve goes to the other party, but she’s had too much to drink (empty stomach, remember?) She ends up barfing for hours, and suffering the worst hangover of her life.
The End.
Authors Note: I swear on my life that entire story is true.