Eve and Bob: Date #9A
By Eve Sturges
Eve and Bob: The Movie (A Production Meeting) Part 1 of 2
Writer: So I’m thinking, we got this girl, right? Her name is Eve.
Director: Who you got lined up?
Writer: Anyone young, whatever, but she’s got to have spunk. You know, like, uh...what’s her name?
Assistant: Meryl Streep?
Writer: No, someone YOUNG.
Director: Kate Hudson?
Writer: Not that pretty.
Director: Katie Holmes?
Assistant: Not that tall.
Producer: Miley Cyrus.
Writer: Not THAT young. Jeezuz. Anyway, moving on. Okay. So she moves to LA and starts working in a super swanky restaurant. Think like, chandeliers, dim lighting, plastic surgery everywhere. Lots of stars, paparazzi hangin’ around out front. And there’s this DJ, right?
Director: played by…?
Writer: Doesn’t matter, because we want to pay attention to his friend “BOB” He’s totally cute in a DJ kind of way, with emo hair, counter balanced with rough stubble. His hair says: I listen to Dashboard Confessional. His whiskers say: But I drive a motorcycle.
Assistant: Wait. How is he cute in a “DJ” kind of way if he isn’t the DJ?
Writer: Because he is also a DJ, somewhere else.
Assistant: I’m confused.
Writer: Yeah, go get us some coffee, wouldya?
(Assistant exits.)
Writer (con’t): So then they are all at a party together, in the hills.
Director: Who’s “they?”
Writer: Everyone from the restaurant, and most importantly Eve and Bob. But they aren’t talking. Just making eyes at one another. Bob is shy, and Eve is constantly being harassed by this cokehead co-worker, who’s always grabbing her ass and stuff. So they make eyes, but that’s it.
Producer: Talk to me about this party. It’s in the hills?
Writer: Yeah, and its got to be NUTS. It’s gonna be our biggest hurdle, with the budget. It’s got to be in the biggest mansion ever, like one of those crazy castles up there. There’s got to be more than one swimming pool, the infinity kind, or horizon kind, whatever they’re called. And long hallways. And one room that’s all mirrors, with silk pillows everywhere, with poles, like sometimes there’s dancing going on.
Director: I’m seeing it, I’m seeing it. Are there pole dancers at this party?
Writer: Nah, because no one needs ‘em. For this party, the host? He invites all the girls from all the skin rags—
Producer: “Skin rags?” Who calls them that?
Writer: I don’t know. Anyway, like tight young hot things from “Hustler Magazine” and “Barely Legal,” you know, all the trashy ones. Full of young girls who came to Hollywood thinking they’d get famous. And instead they tan all day, and pose naked, and they don’t know any better because they get bussed to parties like this one. By the bus-full.
Director: Okay, okay, we get it, yeah, I’m seeing it now.
Writer: But another thing. The theme of this party is “Pajamas.” But the girls, they’re all wearing, like NOTHING.
Producer: Naked?! We can’t make a NC-17—
Writer: Not, not NAKED. But in panties. Just panties, and some pasties over their nipples, or band-aids. Some are wearing like, lingerie, you know? Definitely R rated.
Director: Is Eve wearing this stuff? Is she almost naked?
Writer: No, no no NO. They came to the party from work, Eve is in work clothes, like slacks and a button down shirt.
Producer: Not hot. The ugly duckling, I like it, I like it.
Writer: Right? And she is totally out of her element. She’s just moved to LA, she didn’t know parties like this really existed. And she’s a mom, right? So she isn’t drinking or doing any drugs—
Director: There are drugs at this party, too? Like in sugar bowls and shit?
Writer: Duh.
Producer: This is SO Boogie Nights.
Writer. But its not the ‘70’s; its not cool at all, just tacky and trashy and surreal. Eve is totally out of her element, but there’s a lot of opportunity for comedic moments here, since she’s dressed in slacks. All these people think she works there, like she’s “house staff.” People ask her to call cabs for them, ask her to lead them to the bathroom, maybe she helps some naked girl find her panties, you know, stuff like that.
Director: Loving it. Okay, but what about Bob?
Writer: Nothing much happens with the two of them in this act. They make eyes at each other a few times, pass each other a few times in hallways. They laugh at the absurdity of the situation, and move on. It’s more about setting up the scenario, having fun with this crazy party, this like once-in-a-lifetime experience for Eve that’s she’s going to want to share with her friends. OH. There is one part that we’ve got to include: Eve is walking down this long, narrow hallway, right? And there is this other girl walking towards her, but she isn’t paying attention because she’s text messaging or whatever. And this other girl, she’s wasted, like can barely keep her eyes open. She trips, right into Eve. And Eve, basically saves her life, catches her and is holding her like a dance-dip. This girl, this super drunk girl, is a famous hotel heiress. THE hotel heiress that is famous for, you know, nothing except being a drunk hotel heiress. And Eve is staring at her, inches from her face, helping her catch her balance. The famous heiress mumbles a “thanks” and Eve is left standing in the hallway, mouth agape.
Producer: Great, great, I love it. Small town girl in Los Angeles, crazy party, its perfect.
Director: So what about Bob? What happens with Bob?
Writer: Oh, right. So Eve gets bored—because she’s sober and all—and decides to leave. So does Bob, so they walk out of the mansion together, to their cars. And they finally get a chance to talk. They talk about how crazy the whole experience was, and about Crispin Glover…
Producer: Wait. You lost me. Crispin Glover?
Writer: Oh, I forgot to mention that earlier. Crispin Glover is at the party.
Director: I love it! And then what?
Writer: So Eve and Bob talk and laugh for minute, that’s all. The sun is coming up, just barely, so the sky is turning that light gray. And then, Bob asks for her phone number. Finally.
Director: And…
Writer: he never calls her.
Producer: I’m starving. Let’s go eat. The Ivy?
(To Be Continued.)